Sacred Pathways: Deeper Dive

            Initially, I explored a brief overview of the sacred pathways presented in Gary Thomas’ book. This week, I looked more in depth. First, I completed a questionnaire in which you rate, on a scale of 1 to 5 (with 5 indicating you strongly agree), various questions that help determine your sacred pathways.

Of the 9 different pathways (Naturalist, Sensate, Traditionalist, Ascetic, Activist, Caregiver, Enthusiast, Contemplative, and Intellectual), I scored highest as an Ascetic and Contemplative (28 out of 30 in each). Two other categories were nearly tied for second and third place: Enthusiast (25) and Naturalist (24). I was surprised that Naturalist wasn’t number one. Reading about the different pathways in Thomas’ book, I discovered key reasons why Ascetic and Contemplative soared to number one and Naturalist was lower on the list.

            As an Ascetic, I have a strong need for simplicity, some structure, discipline, and a generous amount of “me” time. “Solitude is essential in that ascetics live fundamentally internal existences.”[1] The challenge for me, in this regard, is to be externally focused at times. I can easily get lost in my own internal world, but I very much need to pull away from others into my own space to recharge. This is part of my personality and spiritual makeup that I have learned to accept; when I neglect pulling away into my own space to recharge and reconnect with the deepest parts of myself and the Lord, then I am less effective, approachable, and able to engage with others.

            Gary Thomas writes, “While sensate Christians are often distracted by their senses, ascetic Christians are often distracted by their senses so they will try to shut them out.”[2] There are times I feel so overwhelmed that I need to shut my mind and spirit down by just lying in bed. It can happen for any number of reasons: interacting with many people and situations throughout the day, overthinking things, thinking about too many things and/or multi-tasking all can contribute to sensory overload. Even watching too much entertainment or playing video games too long (one of my favorite hobbies) can contribute to this.

            Thomas also notes that it “is here where the ascetic may part company with the naturalists.” While the beauty of nature is exhilarating to my soul and refreshing, the reason I like to be outside is actually because of the solitude that often comes with it. The reason I enjoy being in my gazebo is it is a simple environment: wooden gazebo with a table and chairs surrounded by trees. The simplicity of the outdoor environment comforts me and doesn’t distract so that the eyes of my heart can see the things that the Holy Spirit wants to show me. Don’t get me wrong, I love the outdoors and like enjoying nature for the sheer beauty of what can be seen there: the colors, animals and plants, and sculpting of the landscape and sky.

            The other category I scored equally high in, Contemplative, is also one I practice chiefly through meditation of Scripture, but also through listening to worship songs, singing, and even writing songs and poetry. In my meditation and all this activity, I seek “to perform the first work of adoring God. God is known and described as the heavenly spouse in whom all the contemplative’s delight is met.”[3] Of the sometimes austere and disciplined way of living that contemplatives (and actually ascetics) employ, Thomas writes, “To enter the devotion of contemplatives, Christians must begin by emptying their lives of those things that choke out our desire for God.”[4] Where I often “but heads” with well meaning Christians is when they see me emptying my life and or severely restricting the time I devote to “fun things,” particularly video games and entertainment. What they fail to see is that, for me, these things “choke out” the space in my heart that wants to be passionate for God and needs to be protected and nurtured. That means not being overloaded by sensory input that may crowd out God’s voice. I value being able to discern and hear His voice above all else. As far as I’m concerned, all of my true ministry flows from hearing His voice. Thus it is vital I protect my heart and soul to be able to hear and discern. So if I am austere and discipline about NOT engaging in certain activities, it is not punishment nor saying that fun is bad, but recognition of what is truly valuable and needs protected.

           Another category I scored high in was as an enthusiast. Truly I enjoy worship experiences wherein I can feel and see the Holy Spirit moving in the midst of His people. I like to “let go and experience God on the precipice of excitement and awe.”[5] Like those with this temperament, I enjoy mystery (a LOT), celebration, and the supernatural. Having somewhat of an enthusiast temperament is probably what allows (as a contemplative) God to speak to me through dreams and visions, which are considered more “supernatural” ways of communication. He speaks to me through His still, small voice too. Listening and journaling are a very important part of my experience; in fact I practice “listening prayer” almost exclusively as my form of prayer. All intercession and other praying I do arises from that.

            Community is also very important to enthusiasts. “Enthusiasts, in general, will want to spend more time with others than without. They may pray and worship better in a group.”[6] This is in direct contrast to the ascetic side of me that enjoys solitude. When it comes to things like intercession, praying for others, and enjoying worship, I actually do all these things better in a group and enjoy them more with others. It is not as natural for me to pick up my guitar and worship alone, though sometimes I do it. I just do it less frequently than in my younger years. As I have grown as a Christian, solitude has grown in importance and I reserve praying for others and worship for gatherings with others.

Leveraging the Pathways into my Routine

            Simplicity is something I need as an ascetic. The room I currently use for studying is a little cluttered and that can contribute to some unease. Thus, I need to simplify this room some by removing things that aren’t necessary for study and reflection. This is especially important as we move into the winter months since my gazebo will not be usable. I can also simply go to my church, will has classrooms that are still set up essentially like classrooms in an old school (that is what our church building is).

            Ascetics are also unafraid of discipline, as are contemplatives. I actually really like that word, as do I the word intentional. One thing I am being challenged on by my counselor is to schedule the days I journal, to ensure that it happens. Generally, I try for my lunch hour, but on the days this doesn’t happen it needs to be in the evening. I am also considering a different routine of actually using a devotional book… I bought several after a seminary class in June that came highly recommended by professors for the variety and depth offered.

            As a naturalist, I do need to explore the outdoors in Indiana more. I recently learned of a trail that begins close to Marion and extends throughout other cities in Indiana. It offers bike and walking trails and beautiful sights. Soon I will be exploring this on a regular weekend outing that will last until winter.

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[1] Gary Thomas, Sacred Pathways, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1996), 111.

[2] Gary Thomas, Sacred Pathways, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1996), 113.

[3] Gary Thomas, Sacred Pathways, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1996), 188.

[4] Gary Thomas, Sacred Pathways, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1996), 191.

[5] Gary Thomas, Sacred Pathways, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1996), 164.

[6] Gary Thomas, Sacred Pathways, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1996), 181.

Lost in the forest: Focus on the Last Step and Next

Gradually over the past month, I have lost my way in my journey. Recently I talked with a friend about "losing your way in the forest and not being able to see the forest through the trees." Little did I know that this applied to me also.

It began with a little thing: I resumed trying to raise chickens, which is a hobby I really enjoy. All of my (eight, then 6, then 3, then 1...) chickens had been killed by dogs and finally raccoons about 2 months ago. Despite my best attempts to protect the hens, they were each taken one by one by the crafty raccoon family that outsmarted me. With Seminary starting up, I reasoned that the Lord had relieved me of this so that I could focus on studying, have some time-margin, and be freed up a little more financially. Not long went by, though, before I began really missing this hobby.

After getting my recent small flock of 4 chicks a month ago, everything was going fine. Last week a predator struck again and again, ending this most recent attempt last night. I put a lot of time (again) in trying to fortify the coop; this time I think a muskrat was able to get in (they are small). I'd like to say losing my way was all about chickens (that would be both sad and funny at the same time) but it wasn't.

At the same time when this new hobby was bubbling up (and taking some of my time), studying for Seminary was becoming more demanding. Last week was a struggle to keep up with all assignments due on Tuesday. For the first time, I doubted my decision; looking to the weeks ahead I saw the demand continuing to increase.

I have also just started assuming some responsibility in my church, functioning as a "job shadow" to my Pastor. I am assisting him with administrative tasks that have been on his plate for some time, but which never seem to get done. Very ungloryful things that are supportive and meaningful to him, because they will finally get done. Two other ministries I am starting are just in "seed phase" and we are both waiting for things to develop and sprout. Eventually those will take up more time, but for now I am helping him.

The studying (in particular) began to really eat away at the sense of margin I had in my life. Time to relax and just have fun was diminishing. I also began to compare myself and my friend who lives with me. "He isn't working a full-time job and then going to school," I thought. "He is only going to school part-time, taking the same equivalent class load as me. Surely, he can see the fact that I am working, studying, and ministering, and that he has time to help me do stuff around the house that would free up my time to give me margin." Thus, I was beginning to get bitter towards my friend and jealous towards the apparent wealth of free time he had in comparison to me.

As he has lived with me during the past 2 years and we have talked frequently about ways he can contribute around my home in exchange for living rent free. Most of these efforts have proved fruitless, largely because his anxiety is a real deterrent from being able to do things he is not confident in. So, for example, mowing the law is something he can't do because most likely I will touch up and revisit the work in some spots. If he can't do something perfect the first time, without the need for further input by me or for me to revisit his work and touch up, then he feels like a failure and that his effort was worthless. From my perspective that is not the case, any help is good help. Nonetheless, I have come to the place where I have had to accept his limitations and disability. I was struggling again to recognize this in light of my stress and challenge to margin.

We talked last week about this. He shared that although he is going to school part-time, he is barely managing. He suffers from extreme anxiety and should be classified as disabled but, thus far, has been able to avoid that classification. Going to school (with a degree that is being paid for by the VA and was hard won) is a last ditch effort to be a productive member of society. There are days when he does his homework and in between either doing those things or the minor responsibilities we have agreed upon (in order to pay for rent -- vacuuming and mopping), he "freezes" and doesn't do anything at all; just sits in place unable to think about the next step. Or he has to numb himself by playing video games and he gets lost in mind-numbing exercises. Sometimes he does breathing exercises and plays games on the phone which function to "ground him" and bring him out of the initial moments that will lead to unmanageable anxiety. He is actually doing well, but his days are a constant fight for his mind and to do the things he needs to do.

All of this time, as my counselor pointed out, I was thinking that I was operating from a place of scarcity while my friend was operating from a place of abundance. Clearly that is not the case. The things I was longing to do (that he is -- playing video games) are not enjoyable to him; they are coping mechanisms (which are ultimately ineffective) rather than coping skills. The abundance of time I think he has is not an abundance at all; rather, he is just barely managing to do what he is doing and is fighting to effectively use his time to study and advance in his courses.

This all came to a head this past weekend. Even after the counsel I received and talking to my friend, I was feeling sorry for myself. I honestly felt (shamefully) discouraged about doing some of the things my Pastor wanted help with and felt very alone and lonely at the prospect of going to church to work on these things. I sought comfort for all of this in a way that I shouldn't have, which ended up furthering and deepening the way I felt.

After confession, journaling and more journaling, today I was able to return to the path in the forest. During an evening bike ride, which got things moving in my brain again and "unlocked" my soul, I was able to confess my dishonesty to the Lord. I had been diverting my anger and frustration over my diminishing lack of margin towards my friend. I brought some of that on myself by investing in the chicken hobby again. I was also doubting the simple things I was being asked to do, simply because I was feeling alone and lonely in doing them. I forgot that the Lord is with me in all of this.

I was reminded and affirmed by these words as I rode my bike: "Remember the path and remember that it came from somewhere and is leading you to somewhere. You have been given clear steps to walk on. Don't worry about where this is headed (both in regards to Seminary classes and ministry). When I called you to Seminary, I told you that I would lead you one step at a time, then another, and then another. This will help you trust me and rely upon me. In class, you have been shown the next step and it is easy to follow (you have your syllabus). In your church, you have been given simple tasks to do. Be faithful in the small things. For now, that is the path and that is the next step. That's all you need to know. And you are not alone on this path. I am with you, your fellow students are with you, your Pastor is with you too. The support you are being to him will be met with equal or greater support and affirmation for you to walk the path."

Sacred Pathways (initial reflections) and my Gethsemane

                In his book Sacred Pathways, Gary Thomas writes about different ways “we relate to God, how we draw near to Him.”[1] He affirms that “by worshipping God to the way he made us, we are affirming his work as a Creator.”[2] Upon initial reflection of the 9 different spiritual pathways which are presented, I most closely identify with Naturalist, Aesthetic, and Enthusiast. In Chapter 2, he also asks the question, “Where is your Gethsemane?” and describes a Gethsemane as the place we go to hear from God and be strengthened by Him.[3]

                As a Naturalist, I feel connected to God while enjoying the outdoors. My Gethsemane, when weather permits, is my Gazebo in my backyard. There I enjoy the sounds of nature and sunlight. Even working on projects outside, doing yardwork, and working in my garden and chicken pen, are enlivening and life-giving. In the past, I camped and hiked at lot when I lived in California. Water (the ocean and waterfalls) speaks and affirm God’s power and majesty and life-giving presence, as does nature itself. The picture above is from Campus Point at UC Santa Barbara, where I went to college. I spent a lot of time on these beaches praying, playing guitar, and worshiping with the sound of the waves and seagulls. Seeing the ocean awash during the full moon was powerful and is still a resonant reminder of God's power and majestic, fierce beauty.
 

                As an Aesthetic, I enjoy and value time alone. Solitude when spending that time alone with God is life-giving. I easily get overwhelmed or drained when I am around too many people. “Even when they are part of a group of people, they might seem to be isolated from the others.”[4] I enjoy being in dialogue with Jesus constantly and self-aware and present to the deepest parts of myself, so anything that hinders those things is generally disturbing to my soul. In this regard, I often need my own space to process the inner dialogue of my soul with the Lord, which is why another private Gethsemane is my prayer journal.
 

                Lastly, as an Enthusiast, I enjoy worship that allows me to feel God’s presence and tap into the joy, majesty, and mystery of God. I “don’t want simply to know concepts, but to experience them, to feel them, and to be moved by them.”[5] Combining Scripture and prayer with song is one of my favorite ways to do this. Generally, I really enjoy worship through song both by contributing by playing guitar and by being an indirect participant through singing and being led by others. One of the ways I find ready bread for my soul is to open up the Bible (especially to the Psalms), and sing or pray Scripture with the Holy Spirit. Sometimes this leads to some amazing insights!

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[1] Gary Thomas, Sacred Pathways, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1996), 23.

[2] Gary Thomas, Sacred Pathways, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1996), 19.

[3] Gary Thomas, Sacred Pathways, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1996), 33.

[4] Gary Thomas, Sacred Pathways, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1996), 26.

[5] Gary Thomas, Sacred Pathways, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1996), 29.

Spirutal Formation: Foundations and Growth

In his book The Making of A Leader, Robert Clinton speaks of sovereign foundations, the ways God providentially works through family, environment, and historical events; our primary lessons are to "learn to respond positively and take advantage of what God has laid in those foundations.”[1] One foundation in my life comes from the very way God made me: a very small baby (3 lbs. 9 ounces at birth) and small thin boy (60 lbs. when starting high school). Throughout my young life, due to bullying and being targeted for my small thin stature, I quickly learned to discern people that were safe for me to be around and those who not. Friendships I made were few but were very solid and deep (this remains true to this day). I also learned to pull inward, enjoy my own company (thereby learning and fostering an appreciation for solitude), and fostered an imaginary friend with God who remained a friend and eventually who I connected with as Father as a teenager. Now an adult, my friendships are few but solid and deep. I am quick to discern not only if people are “safe” for myself but also for others. This helps me have good boundaries with people that need help and assists me in actually how to be of proper assistance. Being an introvert, I have come to value my alone time and can easily discern when I need to “pull away” for time of my own to recharge with the Lord. I enjoy solitude and the fruit the comes with it: rich times of mediation in Scripture and prayer journaling by which I process my life and ministry and discern, with the Holy Spirit, what my heart is saying to Him and, in return, what He is saying and how He is guiding.

As I reflect on the stage of life I am now in, it seems I am emerging from what Clinton calls the Inner-Life Growth” stage into Ministry Maturing. If I were to graph out the stages of my life, I think I have already proceeded into Ministry Maturing back in the mid-1990’s. Years of struggle with sin and backsliding have caused me to repeat many lessons in the Inner-Life Growth stage and I have repeatedly gone back and forth between these 2 stages until finally leaving church and the practice of the Christian faith for a period of time. When I returned to coming to church in January 2017, I was on an advanced course in Inner-Life Growth. My Senior Pastor witnessed and has expressed this to be the case. Now things have slowed down.

The main process items God used during the last 2 years (prior to starting Seminary) were several obedience and integrity checks. First, my best friend of 20 years bottomed out in his life in February 2017 with no job and soon no place to stay. In response, I felt he should move in with me (which he did and remains to this day). He credits this with saving his life. In August of that year, my brother was literally put on a plane by his girlfriend to come live with me from California (the choice was made for me). The successive years have been further obedience and integrity checks as I have been faced, time and time again, with showing mercy, balancing truth and grace, and forgiving large unsustainable debts and loans. I have learned the value of having a house dedicated to the Lord as a home of healing that is ruled not by disease but by the life and community we can enjoy with Jesus. That has meant making tough decisions: twice, asking my brother to leave. It has meant gradually calling my friend into responsibility and establishing means of accountability.

The last major obedience check (which was a combination obedience and word check) I went through served as both a springboard to Seminary and into the position as Prayer Infusion Coordinator for my church. I needed a laptop for Seminary and identified a used one to purchase, but it was double what I really wanted to pay. For a while, I had been stuck in a [1x every 4-6 weeks] cycle of looking at inappropriate material online. The gateway was a video game system I owned. Through a gradual process (over a couple days), the Holy Spirit directed me to sell all my game systems so I could purchase the computer. When I first heard the direction to sell a particular one (the gateway device), my heart faltered but all resistance melted within a couple minutes because I knew it was the right thing to do. I was further tested with completing the obedience check when my friend (who lived with me) found out and took it very personally (he also plays video games and it is a hobby we share) and verbally attacked me instead of supporting me in the decision. Still, I went through with it; his response actually strengthened my resolve. Praise God, since then I have not looked at anything and now have the right safeguards in place (and happily so). Putting the gateway device on the altar was the choice that brought freedom. Soon after, Seminary began in June. At the same time, my Pastor finally had a “divine release” in his heart to let me start the prayer ministry in our church. Starting that ministry has led to a submission check, which I recently completed. Simply, the Lord has imparted a still, as of yet, unformed vision for prayer ministry that is not structured around prayer meetings but is instilled in the very fabric of our other ministries and efforts. I resisted this for a awhile and started a prayer meeting (to which nobody came) and recently ended this due to the fact I had always felt this effort was a “rough fit” at best to what the Lord wants to do with prayer in my church. Now I am listening to the Lord and our Pastor for guidance on how to make prayer part of the fabric that binds us together as a Body.

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[1] Dr. J. Robert Clinton, The Making of a Leader, Colorado Springs: NavPress (1988, 2012), 37-38.