Surrender and Grace to Step Aside

"Get out of the Way" and "Step aside."
These 2 simple commands echoed loudly and assuredly in my spirit this morning as I showered.

I had just found out that my brother lost another job. He called my friend in a cry for help and they had been talking when I awoke (I praise God for this, because last night I was battling and interceding for Dan, feeling a strong need to do so). Dan's mind is beginning to unravel. During that conversation he expressed about wanting to die and that I hate him (despite all that I have done and tried to do). He doesn't know what to do and the little things, again, that my friend suggested were met with resistance.

Earlier this week, on Monday, I sensed something had happened. Dan was working somewhere nearby my place of employment and I didn't see his car there that morning (the second time since he started that job 2 weeks ago).

That evening during my weekly time of prayer at church, I prayed mostly for Dan, surrendering him to God. I was led to the book of Daniel to read the story of King Nebudchanezeer. The King was prideful and arrogant in regards to the source of his kingdom, thinking all he had was because of his effort. God warned King Nebud against pride through a dream, which Daniel interpreted. King Nebud did not like the interpretation... a short time later he continued in his arrogance and the dream came true. God cursed King Nebud and gave him over to insanity and a reprobate mind for 7 years. He was eventually restored after humbling himself before God during which he acknowledged that God was the High King of Heaven and Earth and that all King Nebud had done and accomplished and all his greatness was due to God giving him the means to accomplish that.

Like King Nebud, my brother suffers from the same pride. While he is not a king nor does he have many possessions, he suffers from the negative (flip side) of such pride: Charging God and others with wrongdoing, unfairness, and that no one cares. He thinks he needs to figure everything out himself and isn't willing to humble himself to ask for help or to be helped.

I believe the Holy Spirit led me to this story to show me what is going to happen with Dan. His mind is starting to unravel. I wouldn't want this to happen to anyone and far be it from me to make it happen. Like Jesus' mother Mary, who "treasured in her heart" those prophecies and things that were spoken of Jesus, this is how I approach visions, dreams, and words God gives me. I treasure them in my heart.

The last 2 years of trying to help him in various ways have been a long beginning to this moment. I do not regret doing what I have done: allowing him to stay in my home twice, asking him to leave both times because he couldn't stay sober, providing him financial assistance throughout. I learned much about myself and what I needed (for safety) in my living space and have learned how really to work with and help broken people (including myself). And when to step away.

I am confident that I need to stand resolute in surrendering Dan to Jesus. And so I end with the words that began this post.

"Get out of the Way!" I am giving room for God to fully be God to Dan and have His way with this broken heart. I recognize that my efforts have, unfortunately, led to this: that he cannot see I love him. He says I do and have done nothing for him. Maybe the part that is true is I have gotten in the way. No longer. I cannot be the agent of grace in his life.

"Step aside." For another to come by his side. For another to speak into his brokenness. For another to show mercy and grace and speak truth in a way, hopefully, that he can receive it.

The word from Daniel about the King is actually one of hope. The King was restored after he humbled himself. So I fix hope in my heart, the kind that does not disappoint because it is rooted in faith that the Son of God will be true to His word. Amen!

St. Augustine -- Monk and Priest

Augustine: Monk of Holy Leisure to Faithful Priest

The Transforming Experience:

In 391, Augustine was ordained into the priesthood.[1] This was a complete turn from the direction he wanted for his life at the time. “After his conversion, he was drawn irresistibly to a monastic style of life, and so much so that it was with a good deal of reluctance that he accepted ordination to the priesthood.”[2] After being baptized and losing his mother, he began trying to live out his ideal for the Christian life in his family estate: “Then he and his friends withdrew to his estate, which had already been alienated, there to lead a common life in poverty, prayer, and the study of sacred letters.”[3] Thus, he wished to live a life of holy leisure as a monk.

He probably had felt some pressure, already, to be a priest because of his intellect and publishing of works such as his Confessions. However, “Augustine did not think of entering the priesthood, and, through fear of the episcopacy, he even fled from cities in which an election was necessary.”[4] Eventually he yielded and allowed himself to be ordained as a priest and, in some manner, left behind being able to completely give himself to the holy leisure of the monastic life. “Yet we should note that even as a bishop, Augustine never relinquished his monastic style of living. Indeed, he is among the first in the history of the Church to found and promote a monastic life-style that was directed to the apostolate.”[5]

The Transforming Means

            Augustine was mostly compelled into the priesthood by a sense of duty to obey the will of the people and the holy Catholic Church but also due to being chased, I think, by the Spirit of God. As already mentioned, he avoided cities and places which would have allowed this opportunity. During a visit with a friend and an opportune stop at the local church for Eucharist, the leader spoke of his need for help with pastoral care. “At that moment, the eyes of those present were fixed at Saint Augustine. They had heard of his life before as a Manichaean, his conversion and sanctity of life. As a result, the people at that moment saw in Augustine more than enough solution to the needs of Valerius. Thus, they started to shout, asking for Augustine’s ordination to the priesthood. (At the time of Saint Augustine, this was the normal procedure. The election of God’s ministers is done by acclamation).”[6] The leader spoke of the need and the Body of Christ compelled Augustine to respond.

Also, the Spirit of God through a compelling force of love enabled him to yield to the call. Augustine said, “If, however, the burden is imposed, it ought to be borne because of the compelling force of love. However, not even in this case should the delight for learning be entirely abandoned, lest that delight be lost and the burden crush him." [City of God, 19, 19][7]

            Even as priest, he maintained his dedication towards God through monasticism. “And even if Augustine never lost his nostalgia for the leisure and tranquillity of the monastic life and was in fact tempted to flee into the desert, as he tells us in his Confessions, he considered the vita mixta, the ministry flowing from a monastic life-style to be the best form of life (optimus vitae modus) .”[8] Though I am unsure what transforming means allowed Augustine to maintain this, I think it can be said that he was given a particular means of grace to do so, just as Brother Lawrence was given a particular means of grace of practice the presence of God. Augustine was permitted by God to live, even as a priest, in a way that allowed him to be dedicated to God as a monk.

Evidence of Transformation

            At once, Augustine yielded to the call towards the priesthood fully and completely. His desire and dedication can be seen in that way he faithfully applied himself to the duties of the priesthood and in the fact that he remained in that vocation for the next 39 years of his life.[9]

            He was permitted to remain faithful to God as a monk also. “And even if Augustine never lost his nostalgia for the leisure and tranquillity of the monastic life and was in fact tempted to flee into the desert, as he tells us in his Confessions, he considered the vita mixta, the ministry flowing from a monastic life-style to be the best form of life (optimus vitae modus).”[10] He was provided church property to use at his disposal and established a monastery.[11] And he eventually wrote his own rule for the monastic life: the Rule of St. Augustine.

Appropriation (How this applies to me)

            In Augustine, I see how the Spirit of God chased him down and prompted a yield to the call of the priesthood through the Body of Christ. My call came during a personal retreat with other men called The Emmaus Walk. Since then, my local Body of Christ has been instrumental in encouraging me to answer this call, most especially my Pastor and some close friends. None were surprised when the call came, as they (and especially a very old friend) see me already as a minister, missionary, and prophet. I just don’t have the fancy title.

            I also empathize with Augustine’s reluctance to enter the priesthood because of great danger and burden. “In Augustine’s opinion, therefore, priestly ministry is at once a danger and a burden. It is a danger, obviously, because bishops, priests, and deacons are necessarily involved in the daily life of the world and therefore more susceptible to various temptations.”[12] Of the burden, he said, “If I were to give you an account of how the hours of my days and nights are spent, and let you know how many of them I have to spend over unnecessary things, it would make you quite sad. You would also be astonished at the number of things which I cannot put off and which pluck me by the sleeve and prevent me from doing what you are questioning me about (i.e. the completion of Augustine’s treatise entitled The City of God).”[13]

            In this, I am remembering words that the gentle voice of Holy Spirit recently spoke to me: “Don’t be too eager to “do” ministry.” When my ministry call came, I was shown that the Lord would guide me step by step. I would be shown just enough to let me know what to do, but not too much of the path ahead. It would be like walking in a fog, in which I could only see the step ahead as I took a step. That way I would stay dependent upon Him and close.

            Lastly, Augustine’s desire to be devoted to God as a monk (and the fact that God gave him means of grace to do this as a priest) is inspiring. I have to honestly say that things that commonly are fun for most people just aren’t fun for me (Yes there is the video game thing, which I am working on. But many common distractions and even good things just are not even of interest). I actually enjoy worship, prayer, reading, and spending time with people talking about spiritual stuff. Early on as a Christian I could see myself enjoying living as a monk and actually tried to live that way, apart from having a normal job and such. Unapologetically I could see myself being completely given over to a lifestyle that would be all about Jesus and would make me one of those weird Jesus people. I pray that God will give me the means to be like one who declares a singular desire for God in Psalm 27:4.

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[1] “St. Augustine of Hippo,” New Advent, accessed 11/19/2019, http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/02084a.htm

[2] “St. Augustine’s Theology of Ministry,” Jordan Aumann O.P., accessed 11/19/2019, https://opcentral.org/resources/2013/04/08/jordan-aumann-o-p-st-augustines-theology-of-ministry/

[3] “St. Augustine of Hippo.” New Advent, accessed 11/19/2019, http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/02084a.htm

[4] “St. Augustine of Hippo.” New Advent, accessed 11/19/2019, http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/02084a.htm

[5] “St. Augustine’s Theology of Ministry,” Jordan Aumann O.P., accessed 11/19/2019, https://opcentral.org/resources/2013/04/08/jordan-aumann-o-p-st-augustines-theology-of-ministry/

[6] “Saint Augustine never thought of becoming a Priest,” Agustinos Recoletos, accessed 11/19/2019,

https://www.agustinosrecoletos.com/2009/08/saint-augustine-never-thought-of-becoming-a-priest/?lang=en

[7] “1202 augustine the priest,” Augnet, accessed 11/19/2019, http://www.augnet.org/en/life-of-augustine/in-africa-again/1202-augustine-the-priest/

[8] “St. Augustine’s Theology of Ministry,” Jordan Aumann O.P., accessed 11/19/2019, https://opcentral.org/resources/2013/04/08/jordan-aumann-o-p-st-augustines-theology-of-ministry/

[9] “St. Augustine’s Theology of Ministry,” Jordan Aumann O.P., accessed 11/19/2019, https://opcentral.org/resources/2013/04/08/jordan-aumann-o-p-st-augustines-theology-of-ministry/

[10] “St. Augustine’s Theology of Ministry,” Jordan Aumann O.P., accessed 11/19/2019, https://opcentral.org/resources/2013/04/08/jordan-aumann-o-p-st-augustines-theology-of-ministry/

[11] “St. Augustine of Hippo.” New Advent, accessed 11/19/2019http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/02084a.htm

[12] “St. Augustine’s Theology of Ministry,” Jordan Aumann O.P., accessed 11/19/2019, https://opcentral.org/resources/2013/04/08/jordan-aumann-o-p-st-augustines-theology-of-ministry/

[13] “St. Augustine’s Theology of Ministry,” Jordan Aumann O.P., accessed 11/19/2019, https://opcentral.org/resources/2013/04/08/jordan-aumann-o-p-st-augustines-theology-of-ministry/

Brother Lawrence - Practicing the Presence of God

I continued reading The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence. After his initial conversations with someone who desires to know of his practice and way of living for God, they communicate via letters. Of these letters, the one I found the most compelling was the eighth letter in which he talks about ways to protect the mind from having wandering thoughts in set times of prayer. He shares an analogy of standing before God as a beggar: “Hold yourself in prayer before God like a dumb or paralytic beggar at a rich man’s gate. Let it be your business to keep your mind in the presence of the Lord.”[1] Recently, I began having a weekly personal time of intercession at my church for my church and community. I felt compelled to approach God initially as a poor soul who simply didn’t know how to pray and needed the help of His Holy Spirit… very much like the analogy that Brother Lawrence shared. From this simple start, the Holy Spirit has been faithful to meet me to pray and intercede delightfully (usually intercession is very laborious for me). I was reminded that “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of heaven,” and the Kingdom was made present to me in prayer.

In the same letter, Brother Lawrence states that the practice of the presence of God at other times is important to keep the mind from wandering during set times of prayer; the key “is not to let it wander too far at other times. You should keep it strictly in the presence of God; and being accustomed to think of Him often, you will find it easy to keep your mind calm in the time of prayer, or at least to recall it from its wanderings.”[2]

Our brother gives these various simple instructions for practicing the Presence:

1.     “… I renounced, for the love of Him, everything that was not He, and I began to live as if there was none but He and I in the world.”[3]

2.     “I worshipped Him the oftenest that I could, keeping my mind in His holy presence, and recalling it as often as I found it wandered from Him.”[4]

3.     “I made this my business as much all day long as at the appointed times of prayer; for at all times, every hour, every minute, even in the height of my business, I drove away from my mind everything that was capable of interrupting my thought of God.”[5]

4.     He employs simple analogous word pictures that help him to posture himself in his spirit before God… as an infant sucking a mother’s breast, as a stone before a carver, and a beggar at a rich man’s gate (with the assurance, that in each state, God will provide what is needed in His presence).[6]

To practice the Presence in such a way, requires honesty and discernment. These things are implied by the things he mentions, though I think maybe they are not a requirement at first. I think the simple act of trying to draw one’s mind and heart to adore and value God above all else becomes a gateway that allows the soul to then perceive those things that cause the soul to not be unified with Him or to draw the mind away elsewhere. Practice yields honesty and discernment which yields, in time, better practice and then more honesty!

In my life, the Lord is very much changing and challenging the devotions I use to draw near to him. Brother Lawrence writes that “these devotions are only a means to attain to the end.”[7] My practice of journaling isn’t yielding the ability to always be present to myself and my heart as it has in the past; the times when my heart is alive and able to speak through writing and likewise to converse with the Holy Spirit are when I engage, otherwise I don’t. I am learning to abstain from writing SO THAT I may hear Him and be attentive to Him. I also need more “mirrors” to allow myself to see myself and our Lord. The large amount of Seminary reading has had an unintended effect of awakening an ability to read for personal intent large meals rather than the small bites (paragraphs or a few pages) as has been my practice for some time.

Body meditation through exercise and playing guitar is something I am needing more and more... release for my body. Yoga has been something I have utilized in the past (and was returning to), however, recent conversations with my mentor have heavily discouraged this practice. While I understand concerns as well as the stoic black and white thinking about this practice, I don’t agree (I had a strict position about yoga 20 years ago; this has changed into thinking it is a tool that, if rightly used, can connect me with Jesus in Body, mind, and soul and to actually practice the presence). Regardless of the way I feel or that I don’t understand, the important thing right now is to submit and obey his direction, that it may go well for me (Hebrews 13:17). For some reason, the Lord (through my mentor) is saying to not engage in this practice right now.

Brother Lawrence also speaks of the need for God to possess the heart alone: “I know that for the right practice of it, the heart must be empty of all other things, because God will possess the heart alone; and as He cannot possess it alone without emptying it of all besides, so neither can He act there, and do in it what He pleases, unless it be left vacant to Him.”[8] God’s eye has turned (and helped me to see) that things that are crowding Him out. Chiefly, this is playing video games. For me, engaging in this activity very quickly calls my mind and heart away from God. The past 6 weeks I have been playing regularly again and (no surprise) have felt my heart to be distant from Him. I am abstaining once again and am happy to share that already I notice a difference: more vigilance and more of an ability to wrestle honestly with God (and hear answers).

Practicing the Presence of God is definitely a necessary focus that I am returning to. The greatest benefit I am already experiencing is the ability to wrestle in communication with Him and hear, eventually, the answers I need (this happened with the yoga situation – began last Friday and today I received the answer from the Holy Spirit in the form of Hebrews 13:17). Discernment is a blessing, as is the ability to not have a soul crowded by other affections and pleasures so that I have to distance myself from the activity to hear. Thankfully, in abstaining from things that crowd out His voice, He is more quickly able to speak and my own heart assures me (instead of testifying against me) of the blessing of His presence and His true promises.

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[1] Brother Lawrence, The Practice of the Presence of God (Uhrichville: Barbour and Company, Inc.: 1993), 61.

[2] Brother Lawrence, 61-62.

[3] Brother Lawrence, 36.

[4] Brother Lawrence, 36.

[5] Brother Lawrence, 37.

[6] Brother Lawrence, 44, 45, 61.

[7] Brother Lawrence, 57.

[8] Brother Lawrence, 53-54.