Spirutal Formation: Foundations and Growth

In his book The Making of A Leader, Robert Clinton speaks of sovereign foundations, the ways God providentially works through family, environment, and historical events; our primary lessons are to "learn to respond positively and take advantage of what God has laid in those foundations.”[1] One foundation in my life comes from the very way God made me: a very small baby (3 lbs. 9 ounces at birth) and small thin boy (60 lbs. when starting high school). Throughout my young life, due to bullying and being targeted for my small thin stature, I quickly learned to discern people that were safe for me to be around and those who not. Friendships I made were few but were very solid and deep (this remains true to this day). I also learned to pull inward, enjoy my own company (thereby learning and fostering an appreciation for solitude), and fostered an imaginary friend with God who remained a friend and eventually who I connected with as Father as a teenager. Now an adult, my friendships are few but solid and deep. I am quick to discern not only if people are “safe” for myself but also for others. This helps me have good boundaries with people that need help and assists me in actually how to be of proper assistance. Being an introvert, I have come to value my alone time and can easily discern when I need to “pull away” for time of my own to recharge with the Lord. I enjoy solitude and the fruit the comes with it: rich times of mediation in Scripture and prayer journaling by which I process my life and ministry and discern, with the Holy Spirit, what my heart is saying to Him and, in return, what He is saying and how He is guiding.

As I reflect on the stage of life I am now in, it seems I am emerging from what Clinton calls the Inner-Life Growth” stage into Ministry Maturing. If I were to graph out the stages of my life, I think I have already proceeded into Ministry Maturing back in the mid-1990’s. Years of struggle with sin and backsliding have caused me to repeat many lessons in the Inner-Life Growth stage and I have repeatedly gone back and forth between these 2 stages until finally leaving church and the practice of the Christian faith for a period of time. When I returned to coming to church in January 2017, I was on an advanced course in Inner-Life Growth. My Senior Pastor witnessed and has expressed this to be the case. Now things have slowed down.

The main process items God used during the last 2 years (prior to starting Seminary) were several obedience and integrity checks. First, my best friend of 20 years bottomed out in his life in February 2017 with no job and soon no place to stay. In response, I felt he should move in with me (which he did and remains to this day). He credits this with saving his life. In August of that year, my brother was literally put on a plane by his girlfriend to come live with me from California (the choice was made for me). The successive years have been further obedience and integrity checks as I have been faced, time and time again, with showing mercy, balancing truth and grace, and forgiving large unsustainable debts and loans. I have learned the value of having a house dedicated to the Lord as a home of healing that is ruled not by disease but by the life and community we can enjoy with Jesus. That has meant making tough decisions: twice, asking my brother to leave. It has meant gradually calling my friend into responsibility and establishing means of accountability.

The last major obedience check (which was a combination obedience and word check) I went through served as both a springboard to Seminary and into the position as Prayer Infusion Coordinator for my church. I needed a laptop for Seminary and identified a used one to purchase, but it was double what I really wanted to pay. For a while, I had been stuck in a [1x every 4-6 weeks] cycle of looking at inappropriate material online. The gateway was a video game system I owned. Through a gradual process (over a couple days), the Holy Spirit directed me to sell all my game systems so I could purchase the computer. When I first heard the direction to sell a particular one (the gateway device), my heart faltered but all resistance melted within a couple minutes because I knew it was the right thing to do. I was further tested with completing the obedience check when my friend (who lived with me) found out and took it very personally (he also plays video games and it is a hobby we share) and verbally attacked me instead of supporting me in the decision. Still, I went through with it; his response actually strengthened my resolve. Praise God, since then I have not looked at anything and now have the right safeguards in place (and happily so). Putting the gateway device on the altar was the choice that brought freedom. Soon after, Seminary began in June. At the same time, my Pastor finally had a “divine release” in his heart to let me start the prayer ministry in our church. Starting that ministry has led to a submission check, which I recently completed. Simply, the Lord has imparted a still, as of yet, unformed vision for prayer ministry that is not structured around prayer meetings but is instilled in the very fabric of our other ministries and efforts. I resisted this for a awhile and started a prayer meeting (to which nobody came) and recently ended this due to the fact I had always felt this effort was a “rough fit” at best to what the Lord wants to do with prayer in my church. Now I am listening to the Lord and our Pastor for guidance on how to make prayer part of the fabric that binds us together as a Body.

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[1] Dr. J. Robert Clinton, The Making of a Leader, Colorado Springs: NavPress (1988, 2012), 37-38.