Lost in the forest: Focus on the Last Step and Next

Gradually over the past month, I have lost my way in my journey. Recently I talked with a friend about "losing your way in the forest and not being able to see the forest through the trees." Little did I know that this applied to me also.

It began with a little thing: I resumed trying to raise chickens, which is a hobby I really enjoy. All of my (eight, then 6, then 3, then 1...) chickens had been killed by dogs and finally raccoons about 2 months ago. Despite my best attempts to protect the hens, they were each taken one by one by the crafty raccoon family that outsmarted me. With Seminary starting up, I reasoned that the Lord had relieved me of this so that I could focus on studying, have some time-margin, and be freed up a little more financially. Not long went by, though, before I began really missing this hobby.

After getting my recent small flock of 4 chicks a month ago, everything was going fine. Last week a predator struck again and again, ending this most recent attempt last night. I put a lot of time (again) in trying to fortify the coop; this time I think a muskrat was able to get in (they are small). I'd like to say losing my way was all about chickens (that would be both sad and funny at the same time) but it wasn't.

At the same time when this new hobby was bubbling up (and taking some of my time), studying for Seminary was becoming more demanding. Last week was a struggle to keep up with all assignments due on Tuesday. For the first time, I doubted my decision; looking to the weeks ahead I saw the demand continuing to increase.

I have also just started assuming some responsibility in my church, functioning as a "job shadow" to my Pastor. I am assisting him with administrative tasks that have been on his plate for some time, but which never seem to get done. Very ungloryful things that are supportive and meaningful to him, because they will finally get done. Two other ministries I am starting are just in "seed phase" and we are both waiting for things to develop and sprout. Eventually those will take up more time, but for now I am helping him.

The studying (in particular) began to really eat away at the sense of margin I had in my life. Time to relax and just have fun was diminishing. I also began to compare myself and my friend who lives with me. "He isn't working a full-time job and then going to school," I thought. "He is only going to school part-time, taking the same equivalent class load as me. Surely, he can see the fact that I am working, studying, and ministering, and that he has time to help me do stuff around the house that would free up my time to give me margin." Thus, I was beginning to get bitter towards my friend and jealous towards the apparent wealth of free time he had in comparison to me.

As he has lived with me during the past 2 years and we have talked frequently about ways he can contribute around my home in exchange for living rent free. Most of these efforts have proved fruitless, largely because his anxiety is a real deterrent from being able to do things he is not confident in. So, for example, mowing the law is something he can't do because most likely I will touch up and revisit the work in some spots. If he can't do something perfect the first time, without the need for further input by me or for me to revisit his work and touch up, then he feels like a failure and that his effort was worthless. From my perspective that is not the case, any help is good help. Nonetheless, I have come to the place where I have had to accept his limitations and disability. I was struggling again to recognize this in light of my stress and challenge to margin.

We talked last week about this. He shared that although he is going to school part-time, he is barely managing. He suffers from extreme anxiety and should be classified as disabled but, thus far, has been able to avoid that classification. Going to school (with a degree that is being paid for by the VA and was hard won) is a last ditch effort to be a productive member of society. There are days when he does his homework and in between either doing those things or the minor responsibilities we have agreed upon (in order to pay for rent -- vacuuming and mopping), he "freezes" and doesn't do anything at all; just sits in place unable to think about the next step. Or he has to numb himself by playing video games and he gets lost in mind-numbing exercises. Sometimes he does breathing exercises and plays games on the phone which function to "ground him" and bring him out of the initial moments that will lead to unmanageable anxiety. He is actually doing well, but his days are a constant fight for his mind and to do the things he needs to do.

All of this time, as my counselor pointed out, I was thinking that I was operating from a place of scarcity while my friend was operating from a place of abundance. Clearly that is not the case. The things I was longing to do (that he is -- playing video games) are not enjoyable to him; they are coping mechanisms (which are ultimately ineffective) rather than coping skills. The abundance of time I think he has is not an abundance at all; rather, he is just barely managing to do what he is doing and is fighting to effectively use his time to study and advance in his courses.

This all came to a head this past weekend. Even after the counsel I received and talking to my friend, I was feeling sorry for myself. I honestly felt (shamefully) discouraged about doing some of the things my Pastor wanted help with and felt very alone and lonely at the prospect of going to church to work on these things. I sought comfort for all of this in a way that I shouldn't have, which ended up furthering and deepening the way I felt.

After confession, journaling and more journaling, today I was able to return to the path in the forest. During an evening bike ride, which got things moving in my brain again and "unlocked" my soul, I was able to confess my dishonesty to the Lord. I had been diverting my anger and frustration over my diminishing lack of margin towards my friend. I brought some of that on myself by investing in the chicken hobby again. I was also doubting the simple things I was being asked to do, simply because I was feeling alone and lonely in doing them. I forgot that the Lord is with me in all of this.

I was reminded and affirmed by these words as I rode my bike: "Remember the path and remember that it came from somewhere and is leading you to somewhere. You have been given clear steps to walk on. Don't worry about where this is headed (both in regards to Seminary classes and ministry). When I called you to Seminary, I told you that I would lead you one step at a time, then another, and then another. This will help you trust me and rely upon me. In class, you have been shown the next step and it is easy to follow (you have your syllabus). In your church, you have been given simple tasks to do. Be faithful in the small things. For now, that is the path and that is the next step. That's all you need to know. And you are not alone on this path. I am with you, your fellow students are with you, your Pastor is with you too. The support you are being to him will be met with equal or greater support and affirmation for you to walk the path."