The Parable of My Heart - Part 1

Yesterday, I had an answer, a way of identifying what has been going on in my heart for a couple months now. I have been asking all kinds of questions... What is the meaning of my life? Is my church the right place for my spiritual and ministry formation? What do many of the things I contemplate doing in ministry seem matched and mismatched (a little) at the same time? Why do I feel defeated and inspired at the same time? Why has Seminary brought a new spark and potentially a desire to change vocations? Why is my heart asking so many questions? (this is just the tip of the iceberg)

Hello Mid-Life Crisis! -- LOL

I'm glad I can laugh about that, that at least is a healthy sign. I take myself seriously but can always step back and laugh too.

Those in my life -- seminary students, church leadership, friends and accountability partners, worship team members - have heard me give voice to all kinds of questions recently. Being the transparent and authentic person I am, I just can't hold inside what I'm feeling. I'm not wired that way.

Starting Seminary last year launched an unexpected start of these questions which has exposed deep yearnings that have long laid dormant.

The Holy Spirit asked me, "What counsel would you give someone who is going through this?"

I answered: Don't make any rash decisions. Keep tight with those in your life who can provide counsel, accountability, and who can listen. Maintain space in relationship with God and the people in your life to ask questions, process, and wait for answers. Make more space to question and process (if necessary). Take care of yourself. Treat yourself from time to time.

Fortunately, I am doing most of these things. I almost started looking for another church, but fell back on good counsel and reasoned with the Holy Spirit that the field I am planted in is very rich for continued growth - both personally and in ministry. I am continuing with Seminary but dropped one course so I can have more space to question and process.

Recently, I began reading and studying the Parable of the Sower. This is a parable at a key time in Jesus' ministry in which people are now coming to him in droves for healing and to hear his message. He has chosen His Disciples (who are now Apostles) and others have joined his small band as unappointed disciples who are following Him. He begins speaking to the crowd in parables and it is here that people are presented with a choice: What do they do with the parables of Jesus? Do they ask Him or leave to ponder the message on their own? Are they coming just for healing and "maybe" to hear what He has to say? Listening and ASKING Jesus is the key. It is the doorway through which one must pass now to move from being part of the crowd to become a disciple.

So then, to WHOM then do I take the parables of my own heart and those things which are not easily unexplainable? Who do I seek and who do I bring my questions to? I am bringing my heart and questions to the Father, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and the Body of Christ.

ALL are important. Thus far in my journey the Body of Christ has been a place where I can field my questions, give voice to my thoughts, and test whether what I am hearing is God or not (the Body is crucial, don't underestimate the vitality and power of being in close relationship with others in the Church). In my own private times I find further space to question, ponder, process, and reflect.