Psalm of Lament (for my younger brother)

My heart breaks, breaks, breaks for my brother!

Hearing his cries whenever we talk, my heart breaks!

Hearing his complaints, my heart breaks!

Hearing his lostness, my heart breaks!

Hearing his aimless wandering in his own thoughts, my heart breaks!

Hearing his regurgitation of the past, again and again, my heart breaks!

With no clarity, he is lost in his own thoughts,

lost in trying to find a way to make it stop while trying to live.

Survive, survive, survive.

But he does not thrive.

Survive, survive, survive.

And keep arriving at the same lessons, making the same mistakes.

Survive, survive, survive.

Oh God, there is more to life than just to survive.

Become the path, the life, the means, the light.

So that survive may turn to ALIVE!

“I want to be in a family and to be with people who care about me.

I’ve wanted that my whole life.”

So, the father wound speaks, the same wound we share.

Wanting that safe place, to be with safe people.

Wanting relief from the wound given from an alcoholic father;

from emotional abuse, neglect,

from the very person you should have been able to trust.

I have been targeted for blame in this wound, moving out when I was of age.

Five times has God answered that prayer:

Moving into my home, providing job after job, new living situations with others,

my home again, and now another job and another opportunity for family.

“People are the problem,” you say. And you are right!

Yet you are very wrong about who the problem people are.

Look at yourself, look inward!

Dare to see how you treat people.

See how you push away and hide from the very thing you desire!

You cannot trust, but want to trust, but cannot trust, but want to trust...

Divided, your heart wars against everything and everyone, especially yourself.

In desperation, in pain, you seek solace!

So, you turn to cisterns that are broken and hold no water.

Unable to return to the weed that has dulled the ache in your heart,

you turn to water that is not water – that poison alcohol.

How it clutters your heart! How it increases the confusion and pain!

How it disables your ability to see yourself as you are

and instead your problems grow, people withdraw (sometimes without explanation).

The Hyde overtakes the Jekyll.

The Emperor with new clothes (naked he struts about, his damage for all to see).

He survives and doesn’t see, can’t see how naked and afraid he really is.

Until you can hide from it no more.

Then, you can do nothing but try to hide more.

Oh, Lord, Deliverer of my soul –

How you have delivered me from all this! (Surely You have).

Be the Deliverer for my brother.

As You have done for me, do for him!

And greater things I ask!

As You have said, “The older shall serve the younger.”

So, let it be, may he rise!

Greater in faith,

Greater in depth of love.

Greater in depth of knowledge and insight of the Holy One!

Show yourself as the Risen Christ in his midst.

Birth in my brother the only birth that can make
the survivor not only survive but ALIVE.